I got cred

I am an ordained minister.

Tell the truth. You almost stopped reading when I said I was a minister, didn’t you?

I’m not a real minister and I feel bad for lying about it just now. Last night Google took me to the Universal Life Church Monastery. They’ll ordain you on-line. Never mind that the term “monastery” evokes, in my mind at least, a rigidly disciplined life filled with countless hours of Bible study and quiet reflection, vows of silence, poverty and chastity, Gregorian chants performed by boys’ choirs in cavernous Cathedrals and missionary work attempting to convert the Yanomami tribe of the Southern Venezuelan and Northern Brazilian Rain Forest. No, this ordination is pretty much instant provided you have a broadband internet connection. It’s free. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the suggested contribution is $150. Instead, I suggested that I keep the money. “I will be using this money for outreach, my brothers”, I said to the computer screen.

Outreach, of course, means taking the message where it is needed most. Therefore, happen’ clubs with steep cover charges are a must. Benjamins come in handy when valet parking the new hummer–the one with spinners and “clergy” license plates. Mine is the one with a bumper sticker that says, “My boss is a Jewish carpenter” and another that says, “Rev Run is my co-pilot.” 24/7 my speakers are thumpin’ “JC are ya with me!!!” or something similarly reverent. My message is simple. Mercy & grace are like an American Express Platinum card that can be charged up. No limit!!!

I hope my sacrilege insurance premiums are paid up. I have comprehensive, not just liability.

My chosen profession is the law whereas the one that chose me is the ministry. It amuses me to think that with the lawyer/minister combo I can have a slammin’ revenue stream. I can baptize a baby, handle her teenage criminal indiscretions, perform her marriage ceremony, do her divorce, draft her will, and later probate her estate. Yes, I plan to live forever. Yes, I’ve heard that I can’t take it with me.

The Monastery advertises that many of their ordained have become wealthy performing baptisms, weddings & funerals. I won’t even comment on that. By the way, I don’t want to perform baptisms, weddings and funerals. I want to help people.

All kidding aside, I can’t take this Monastery seriously so I did some more Google searching. Then I did some soul searching.

I have decided that ordination is counter-productive. There’s lots I can say about that and I’ll talk about it in my next blog.


~ by Tim Daniel on July 19, 2007.

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